Why I do a Yearly Cleanse

I am on day 4 of a 5 day cleanse. It's a liquid fast. For five days instead of eating you drink a blend of apple juice and toxin absorber - a powder made from psyllium seed husk, bentonite clay and apple pectin (with a "delicious" ginger flavor) every 3 hours, 5 times a day. You also drink lots of water and in the evening you can supplement with miso infused vegetable broth. The first day you have the soup you're grateful to have anything that doesn't taste like apple juice. By the fourth day you could care less, the flavor feels kind of pointless. And I love food. I mean I really love food.

And every year I make sure to put this on our calendar. And apparently every year on day one I ask my boyfriend why we put ourselves through this torture. But we do. And it's not as if you walk around hungry all the time. You really don't. You're just a little bored and annoyed that you can't have anything to eat. It's amazing how food-centric our lives are. Oh, and did I mention you can't drink coffee or black tea or anything other than the apple juice and water?

So, why do I put myself through this? For a few reasons: 1) Even though I know it's just water weight, I lose a couple of pounds every time I do this fast and I like the temporary boost it gives my metabolism after a long, sluggish winter. 2) I am not a very disciplined person when it comes to denying myself of food. Sure, I can tell myself I won't eat candy but if there's any in the house the way I ensure I won't eat any tomorrow is to actually eat it all today. So it's nice to follow-through on something so personally sacrificial. 3) I always learn something new about myself when I do this thing. And I always cleanse something more than my bowels.

I think every time you push yourself, even just a little you give yourself a chance to learn and grow. And I believe that if you don't keep up with your "studies" - the longer you leave things undiscovered - the harder the lesson will be to learn. And by then you more than likely don't get to choose the delivery. So, getting the opportunity to start to let go of something that no longer serves me, especially in a gentle, self-induced way is very welcome. Because when you hold on to something, it's never just that something you're holding onto. One of my teachers says this about negative emotions, "When you allow negative emotions in, it's not just one thing living with you, soon all of its cousins move in." I take this to mean two things, 1) If you hold on to anger, for example, you not only hold on to anger about a certain thing but you actually tend to hold on to all anger, and 2) If you start with anger ,feelings like jealousy, hostility, impatience and fear are probably not far behind. Just like you can't do a liquid fast and decide to selectively eat a few things here and there, you can't selectively hold on to negative emotions. They poison the waters and clog your life and limit your flow.

And sure, yes, perhaps what is exiting my body is actually intestinal plaque, it's disgusting whatever it is and I do feel more "hollow" after doing this for five days. I swear my digestion feels like it's had a tune-up (as long as I don't just stuff myself with a burger soon after). But I think, for me, it's more important to do the cleanse than the cleanse itself.

Love What you See in the Mirror

I was looking in the mirror the other day and started noticing the changes I’m going through as I enter my 42nd year. Long gone are the days when I used to be skinny, when I bared my middle without a thought. Although I’m not complaining, thanks to two good sets of genes I do pretty well “for my age” what I really connect to is this: “What did I see when I looked in the mirror when I was lean and young. Did I ever think of myself as pretty?”

Due to a set of life circumstances, I’d have to say: mostly not. Both my mother and sister were these glamorous drop-dead gorgeous types that garnered and kept most of that attention. My mother from birth. My sister morphed into it during her later years in high school. So, I was labeled the “smart one” the “outgoing one” the “affectionate one”. I had my share of boyfriends and boys with crushes on me (the “smart ones”). But I never thought they liked me because I was cute, I always assumed it was because of something else – my personality, for instance. Although in and of itself, an excellent experience, I certainly learned to value those things about me that are more lasting, I can’t help but feel bad for the teenager, the 20-something that would look in the mirror and see only her personality.

How often now do you wish for something you had in the past? A less wrinkled forehead, flatter stomach, smoother skin…

And what today do you not appreciate that you will find yourself longing for in the future? Think about it. There are wonderful things about you this very moment that are being obscured by you constantly looking backwards at what you miss, and here’s the kicker: that you didn’t even appreciate then! What a waste of time and energy. Instead value all that you have in the present because if you think your forehead is wrinkled now, Sweetie, I hate to say this but eventually, it’s going to get worse and all you did when it was better was complain. Look in the mirror and love what you see. Ten years from now you’ll be glad you did.

What Teaching Couples Massage Classes has Taught Me

Mike (a.k.a. Stel) and I have been teaching our Couples Massage Workshops for four years and I feel just as good about the class now as I did when I first developed it. The idea came to me on a plane while heading to Seattle. I was staring out the window, checking out the patterns on the ground and the loft of the clouds, thinking about what I like doing and knowing I wanted to develop a way to share with others and it just popped into my head. So I grabbed my computer and immediately starting to type out the manual which would end up becoming the structure of the class itself. And then I never looked back. I’d never led a workshop like this, but somehow I knew that it’d be fine. It turned out the class was exactly the length it needed to be and although there were times in the beginning when we only had 2 attendees the workshops continued to grow and have been really well received. This is the closest I’ve ever felt to the concept that when you do something you love it doesn’t feel like work.

What I’ve learned is that you can’t really force something like that. You can’t study the market and decide to do something you have no real interest in just because there appears to be a “need” for it and then expect it to feed your soul. I have a wide-variety of interests and have attempted many things, and over and over again it is those things that I feel a true connection to that end up succeeding.

So, if you’re looking to start something new, whether it’s a career path or writing a book, creating a class or moving to a different location, start with a list of items that really excite you:

• Identify those topics that you can research all day on the Internet and never get bored.
• Think of activities you can participate in that you hardly tire of.
• Recognize places that energize you.
• Write down everything you love.

Don’t edit yourself. Even if it seems crazy allow yourself to think big or small, include anything that comes to mind. Let that list inspire your next steps. See what happens.

Our workshop has now led us to begin the filming process of our Couples Massage DVD which is very exciting. I’ve never produces a DVD and don’t have any experience marketing one. But I’m good at research and know there are experts out there that can do what I don’t know how. And I also know this DVD is a labor of love and no matter what happens I’ll feel good about it.

Limiting Beliefs: What's Your Story?

I’ve been talking to a friend of mine who is in this toxic relationship but feels unable to do anything about it. His partner constantly berates him, tells him how worthless he is and that his only chance of happiness is to step up, follow-through with their relationship and be with her.

I know this person rather well. He is very inconsistent, will tell someone he loves them and wants to be with them and then weeks later change his mind. Or perhaps he wasn’t so sure of his feelings when he was speaking them in the first place, but at the moment it seemed like the best thing to say, more than likely to avoid a conflict. Cowardly? Sure. Worthless? No.

I get how he frustrates people. He’s frustrated me. But that doesn’t mean that he deserves to be punished by having to follow-through in a toxic relationship just because he once said he wanted it. No rings were exchanged, and no vows before witnesses were made. If you’re on the receiving end of his “live life in the very moment” approach its confusing, unnerving and can just down-right make you angry. But this person he’s with knows how to push his buttons and is exploiting his weakness and essentially holding him hostage. And he’s letting her. When I ask him why he’s still with her he says he doesn’t know.

I had a similar situation once. I was in an unhealthy relationship but much as I wanted to I couldn’t get myself to break it off. I tried. I would gear myself up for the conversation and then once I started it I’d start to go into a panic. It made no sense to me. I have always been a strong, independent woman. I’ve broken up with people before but this, this was different. I couldn’t do it. I felt like my life depended on staying with this person. So I did. Logically I knew I had to leave. I wasn’t even in love with this man. But something was holding me back, something that defied logic and common sense, something that weakened me to my core.

What I happened upon was “regression therapy” (a form of hypnotherapy). My friend had been using it to help her with some of her issues and so we tried it together. What it did was open up a story that I had held onto since childhood.

When I was a little girl my mother would always tell my sister and me: “Don’t let your father leave you alone in the car because something bad might happen.” Considering it was the 70’s in Seattle and that my sister was five years older than me so she was talking to a 7 and 12 year-old it’s clear she was being overprotective. But we listened to our mother. One day we were out running errands with my father and he had to run up to his office to pick up some papers. He told us to wait in the station wagon. My sister and I freaked out. “No, Daddy, NO, we can’t wait in the car,” we begged. “Look, I’m going to be in there for five minutes, just lock the doors and wait here, I’ll be right back,” he replied. But we wouldn’t have it. He couldn’t understand why we were being so unreasonable and in the end left us to wait for him. My sister and I were so scared we hid in the back seat on the floor and covered ourselves with our father’s overcoat. Of course we did such a good job hiding that when he came down a couple of minutes later and didn’t see us in the car he panicked and went off looking for us. After about 20 minutes or so my sister and I were terrified. He finally returned to the car to find us crying and although he didn’t yell at us, he was really upset. I can’t speak for my sister, but the whole time I was waiting I thought I was going to get kidnapped and killed. I really did. I thought I was going to die. And that is what I felt every time I tried to break up with my boyfriend. That I was literally going to die.

I realized this had a lot to do with my mother’s fear for our safety and my willingness to hold onto it. I also connected the fact that while I was this my boyfriend my father had died so somehow, someway I had substituted him as the male I needed to keep me physically safe. Once I uncovered the limiting belief, letting go of the story came almost instantly and the next day we broke up. It was an incredible relief. I would have never put those two situations together but that childhood trauma was what was running my life. So strange how our minds work.

Which leaves me to wonder how many other people are walking around with a story, a limiting belief that keeps them hooked in a relationship, a job, a behavior, a perception about themselves that defies their logic and common sense? Doing the regression later peaked my interest in studying hypnotherapy. And after talking to my friend, I feel I’m coming to the conclusion that in addition to helping people quit smoking that this is the area I want to concentrate in with my clients. It’s such a debilitating place to be, feeling paralyzed by a silent story. The frustration and anger I held onto only to have it relieved in an instant. The rest of the usual pains of breaking up weren’t avoided. I went through them and in doing so learned a lot about myself. I can’t help but think sometimes that if I had found this method earlier I could have wasted less years in a relationship I knew I didn’t want to be involved in; I could have started healing so much faster. But mostly, I’m grateful for the years I saved by finding it at all.

Living in Harmony

It’s been two years since my boyfriend and I moved in together. I remember writing about it just as we were packing up getting ready to consolidate our households (“Creating Space” April 2006) and really, so far, so good. We love our Ukrainian Village apartment. The place felt like home from the get-go. The kitties have never been happier; they are so thrilled with their new surroundings, adopting different rooms during different times of the day (and year). They like the light on a summer morning from my office, looking out the window from atop of the pedal steel guitar in the spring and fall, sleeping on the radiator cover in the Living Room during the winter (even made them pillows). And as always, the relationships in my life continue to teach me lessons I may or may not really feel like learning but always end up grateful for having done so.

I used to work from home a lot. There were times that I hadn’t talked to anyone the entire day. So of course when my boyfriend walked in the door I went a mile a minute on whatever was on my mind. He on the other hand had just endured a 45 – 90 minute commute and needed some quiet down time. It seems simple enough but it’s hard to see what you’re doing right at the moment. So, after I could tell something was amiss, I stepped back and asked myself, “What would you like to feel when you walk in the door to your home?” I’d like to feel peaceful and have a home that welcomes me. So I posed the question to him. Because here’s the point: Having a point of reference is a good place to start a conversation (“You know, I was thinking, if I came home after a long commute I’d like a little peace. Is that something you’d like, too?”), but it’s not enough. You then have to find out what feeling peaceful means to the other person - doesn’t matter what it is, or even if you understand it. As long as it’s not something that requires you to compromise your core beliefs or sense of self all that matters is giving to your partner what is meaningful to them. Treating your partner the way you’d like to be treated is good when it comes to generalities: respectfully, kindly, lovingly, etc. but not when it comes to specifics. When it comes to specifics it’s very personal.

For example, when I’m upset about something with work or life, I need to feel comforted and listened to and talk through my feelings. When my partner is upset he needs to have some alone time playing his guitar or practicing his martial arts before he wants to bring it up. Two different approaches, both effective. I don’t get wanting to be alone from the beginning, if you told me to play my guitar or take a yoga class first, that wouldn’t work for me. That would be great for me after but not before. But I don’t have to get it. I just have to get him.

So I ask you, are you treating your partner the way you want to be treated specifically or generally? Do you know what your partner needs in certain situations? What situation seems to consistently cause stress that you could approach differently? The smallest adjustments can create some wonderful harmony.

I find it an excellent sign that our relationship has actually gotten easier every year we’ve been together. And I don’t need to understand why. Sometimes gratitude is more than enough.

Resistance and Persistence

Stel and I were recently in Mexico with my family. We did a great job of balancing rest with activity and spent quality time with our loved ones. I was grateful for the the peace and insight that time gave me. I had set an intention to disconnect from ego while I was there (you know how sometimes familial dynamics can push your buttons) and was afforded a few opportunities - I'll give myself a B+ for effort and a C- minus for execution. It was a good trip. I exercised my listening skills and took the time to ask questions and hear answers without waiting to talk and learned some lovely things about my family that I didn't know before. I spent time with our "gente", met some new friends of my sister's and one afternoon went climbing up a steep, rocky, beautiful hill in order to get to the top of the Tepozteco pyramid (my older sister, by the way, wasn't even remotely winded during the climb - that's her on the left - her cardio is superhuman - I was both awed by and proud of her; she's amazing!).

And coming home to face the normal routine of the day-to-day I feel some resistance to "office life" and the problems that wait for me there every morning. And that doesn't feel okay. Even though I'm not very pleased with what my responsibilities have evolved into, in all modesty, I am good at my job and I do feel positive about the organization and the people I'm working with. So, what am I missing that makes me feel anxious about 30-40 hours of my week? What is fascinating is that the answer came to me before I asked that question. As I was emailing the below to a friend, I realized that I have been coming across these concepts a lot lately and in putting this blog entry together, I became aware of my resistance to the present moment when it came to my job. These are not my words, but a paraphrasing and summarizing of spiritual teachings and conversations:

Ask yourself, 'What is my relationship with the present moment'? Are you at peace and acceptance or in negativity and resistance? Life is the present moment, it is not tomorrow or yesterday. Negativity makes an enemy of the present moment. If you are not friendly with the present moment, you are not friendly with life. In other words, what you resist, persists. Accept what is, first. Making peace with the moment does not mean you have to approve of it or condone it, merely accept where you are. Being in a place of dissatisfaction is not a good starting point for changing your life. Action does not come from a place of resistance, it comes from a place of acceptance.

And I realize how true this is for me. Most of what I've created has been from a place of peace and stillness: while staring out the window of an airplane, when I wake up before the alarm, after a walk around my neighborhood, while sitting down at my computer with a cup of tea, after a long climb up a hill to see a pyramid... When I feel dissatisfied and try to do something about it, I tend to spin my wheels and I usually end up feeling more anxious and blocked and stressed. I have learned that when I get like this, it's best to step away for a while and occupy myself with something else. But how powerful to realize the "how" of the knowing and become aware that I can take my actions a that step further into acceptance.

This kind of awareness, "getting something", seems to always comes after I honor my feelings (another good lesson) - for me the challenge is allowing myself to feel the knowing and take the steps I need before I have to name the knowing. In my life I've often gotten bogged down with the need to understand, but not so much anymore. Of course ironically, as I started to give up "the need to know" the understanding and answers often came more easily as a result. Go figure.

So while I was writing to help a friend during a difficult time, life presented me with a tool to use with this resistance - persistence thing. Instead of fighting where I am/what I'm doing at the moment, I need to make peace with it. Only then can I really decide where to go from there. And if the answer is "Well, this is where I am right now and that's not going to change anytime soon", then accepting it will certainly take the edge off. So, I plan on asking myself often, "What is my relationship to the present moment?" This tool has been a long time coming! I remember tacking the saying "what you resist, persists" up on my bulletin board at my first job when I was in my early 20's, along with "over analysis leads to paralysis". Apparently I finally stopped resisting long enough to hear the answer and have become aware enough to connect it to the question. My relationship to the present moment? Relief and gratitude.

Be Your Own Valentine

My boyfriend and I don't really celebrate Valentine's Day. Before our first February 14th he asked me what I wanted to do and I suggested we eat at my place (there was a my place then) and afterwards go see Electra at the movie theater. For that I was brought flowers and a card - I think it was out of gratitude. I've always tried to keep the holiday pretty low-key since I believe that if you have to wait for Valentine's Day for romance or attention the relationship is probably doomed.

Happily, we're both pretty good in that department but not because either of us are overly suave or sappy. Sure, we have our cutesy moments, but I think what's important in relationships is that you define what is romance and intimacy and not let the likes of Hollywood or Hallmark define that for you. Thankfully, ignoring the cell phones and curling up on the couch with some delicious Belgian beer and a tray full of snacks we've made together to watch some MMA counts as a romantic evening. And champagne flows freely all year in our household, not just on February 14th. So truly, I can do without the gross commercialism Valentine's Day brings.

But I like the general theory of having a day where love is celebrated. Wouldn't it be nice though, if loving who you are was important today? If being your own Valentine was valued over finding someone to be your Valentine? Now that holiday, I would find useful. If today, instead of writing about why someone else is so special to you, you actually put a list together of the things you like about yourself? Maybe I'll try that. I encourage you to join me. That would certainly add a lot more meaning to this odd holiday. And hopefully, there will be a point where I don't wait until February 14th to appreciate me because I don't want this relationship to be doomed either.